From BookJive
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| Edition: | Gallery (Paperback) |
| Author: | Dale Carnegie |
| Published: | October 1998 |
| Pages: | 288 |
| ISBN 10: | 0671027034 |
| New: | $8.64 (51) |
| Used: | $5.64 (66) |
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Written by Dale Carnegie in 1936, How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the best selling self-help books ever published. Providing tips and strategies for communicating with people, it has sold more than 15 million copies. It was a New York Times best seller for 10 years.
In contrast with some modern theories of psychology, which emphasize autonomy, self-expression, and assertiveness, How to Win Friends echoes Lord Chesterfield's view that pleasing others is both a duty and a paradoxical route to personal success.
Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Chapter One: "If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive"
Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong they may be. Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him or her strive to justify himself or herself. It is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members, and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned. You will find examples of the futility of criticism bristling on a thousand pages of history.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest novelists ever to enrich English literature, to give up forever the writing of fiction. Criticism drove Thomas Chatterton, the English poet, to suicide.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.
As Dr, Johnson said, "God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days. Why should you or I?"
Principle 1
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Chapter 2: The Big Secret of Dealing With People
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything and that is by making the other person want to do it. You can make someone give you their watch by sticking a revolver in his ribs. You can make your employees cooperate (until you back is turned) by threatening to fire them. You can make a child do what you want it to do by a whip or a threat. But these crude methods have sharply undesirable repercussions.
One of the most basic human needs is the desire to feel important. People want to believe that their lives have meaning, that without them, things will fall apart. They feel the need to be needed and, hence, important.
Charles Schwab said, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world," Schwab declared, "I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism."
There is a difference between flattery and appreciation. Flattery is shallow, selfish, insincere, and seldom works for discerning people. Appreciation is sincere. It comes from the heart, is unselfish, and is universally admired. If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on and we should all be experts in human relations. In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.
Principle 2
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Chapter 3: "He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World With Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way"
Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?" That question will stop you from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about your desires.
Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.
Principle 3
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
PART 2: SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Chapter 1: Do This And You Will Be Welcome Anywhere
Why read this book to find out how to win friends?
People are not interested in you. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon, and after dinner. How often do you use the word "I" in a conversation? When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first? If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.
If you want to make friends, put yourself out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness. If you want to make friends, greet people with animation and enthusiasm. In all communications, use the same philosophy; be genuinely glad to hear from friends and acquaintances. By showing a genuine interest in others, you win friends and may influence others to show either a preference to you or your company.
Principle 1
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Chapter 2: A Simple Way To Make A Good First Impression
Smile. Smiles say, "I like you. You make me happy, I am glad to see you."
Insincere grins fool no one. People recognize the mechanical nature of them and resent them. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, a smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.
Even smiling unseen, as in a phone conversation, translates well. You can feel that a person is smiling or frowning in the tone of voice they use. The effects of the smile can be powerful. Smiling changes your own attitude, as well as others. It brings a more positive force in your life. Smile and people usually smile right back at you.
If you don’t feel like smiling, smile anyway. Acting happy tends to make you happier according to William James, psychologist and philosopher. "Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully, and act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there…"
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.
Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl, or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or children, a smile can help him realize that not all is hopeless---that there is joy in the world.
Principle 2
Smile.
Chapter 3: If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. Remembering names is important and effective. Look at any page in a telephone book. Your eye will be drawn to the words that mean the most to you, specifically, your name. It’s a natural phenomenon. Everyone reacts the same way.
Always be aware that a name is essentially a bit of magic that is wholly and completely owned by the person we are dealing with and no one else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.
Principle 3
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Chapter 4: An Easy Way To Become A Good Conversationalist
Listening is the most important thing you can do to be considered a wonderful conversationalist. Prompting people to talk about themselves and paying attention to what they say by asking a few questions works wonders. No one really wants to hear what you have to say. They want to be the one talking. By listening intently, you are telling a person that you approve or care about that person and are interested in the topic. Listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.
Even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener.
People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
Principle 4
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Chapter 5: How To Interest People
The best way to get people interested in you is to show them that you are interested in what interests them. Do the research. Ask other people about the person you will be interviewing or speaking to. A few minutes time in finding out about their point of view or interests can bring rewards larger than what you wanted in the first place.
Theodore Roosevelt excelled at this by reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested in. Visitors were always astonished by the range and diversity of Mr. Roosevelt’s knowledge. Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.
Principle 5
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Chapter 6: How To Make People Like You Instantly
There is one all-important law of human conduct. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. Philosophers have been speculating on the rules of human relationships for thousands of years, and out of all that speculation, there has evolved only one important precept. All religions point the way, in one form or another, but it all says the same thing: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation.
Little phrases such as "I’m sorry to trouble you," "Would you be so kind as to ____?" "Won’t you please?" "Would you mind?" "Thank You"—little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make him feel important. The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
"Talk to people about themselves," said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. "Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours."
Principle 6
Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
PART 3: HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
Chapter 1: You Can’t Win An Argument
I have listened to, engaged in, and watched the effect of thousands of arguments. As a result of all this, I have come to the conclusion that there is only one-way under high heaven to get the best of an argument—and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he or she is absolutely right.
Some ways to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument include:
- Welcoming the disagreement. "When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." This disagreement can be a chance to correct a serious mistake.
- Distrust your first instinctive impression. First reactions are usually defensive. Keep calm and think.
- Control your temper.
- Listen first. Don’t interrupt, resist, defend, or debate. Build bridges not barriers.
- Look for areas of agreement. Common ground is always a good place to start.
- Be honest. Admit error and always apologize for mistakes; it will reduce defensiveness.
- Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. Mean it. They may be right. Don’t let them have the opportunity to say, "We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen."
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. In taking the time to disagree with you, your opponent is showing that they are interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help, and they may become friends.
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest a new meeting held later that day so that all the facts may be brought to bear. Prepare for the meeting by asking yourself some questions: Could my opponents be right? Is there merit in their positions? Are my reactions relieving the problem or just relieving frustration? Will my reaction raise the respect these people have for me? What price will I have to pay if I win? Will I win or lose? If I say nothing, will it all blow over? Is this problem or an opportunity? Is it really worth the fight in the first place? Prioritize.
Principle 1
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Chapter 2: A Sure Way of Making Enemies-And How to Avoid it
You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words—and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride, and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back, but it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of Plato or Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings. You will arouse opposition and make the listener want to battle with you before you even start.
It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people’s minds. If you feel the need to prove something, let it be done subtly. Galileo once said, "You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself."
There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: "I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts." In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy. You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him or her want to admit that he or she, too, may be wrong.
If you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong you only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.
Principle 2
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, "You’re wrong."
Chapter 3: If You’re Wrong, Admit it
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
Admitting you are wrong puts the other person into a situation where they have the chance to be magnanimous. You have put them in a position of power, and they feel important.
By fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding you can get more than you expected. When you are right, try to win people gently and tactfully to your way of thinking, and when you are wrong—and that will be surprisingly often, if you are honest with yourself—admit your mistake quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but also, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.
Principle 3
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
A Drop Of Honey
Friendliness begets friendliness.
Have you heard the fable about the sun and the wind? They quarreled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, "I’ll prove I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you can." So the sun went behind a cloud and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man would clutch his coat to him. Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up. The sun came out from behind the cloud and smiled kindly down upon the old man. Presently, the old man mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.
The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
Principle 4
Begin in a friendly way.
Chapter 5: The Secret of Socrates
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep emphasizing—the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end, and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Harry A. Overstreet, author of Influencing Human Behavior, considers the word "no" as one of the most difficult handicaps to overcome. When a person says, "No," they have invested their pride of personality, which demands that they remain consistent with themselves. They may later feel that, "No," might not have been the best answer, but they have their precious pride to consider. Once having said, "No," they feel they must stick with that decision. The most important thing you can do is get them saying, "Yes," right from the beginning.
Socrates was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known. He changed the whole course of human thought by introducing a technique now called the "Socratic method." This technique was based upon getting a "yes, yes" response from his opponents. He would ask questions, to which his opponents would have to answer, "Yes," to. By asking many questions in this vein, he kept his opponents saying, "Yes" instead of "No." His opponents would finally, without realizing it, find themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes before.
The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong, let’s remember old Socrates and ask a gentle question – a question that will get the "yes, yes" response.
Principle 5
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Chapter 6: The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints
People have a tendency to try to win others over to their way of thinking by talking too much. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So, ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
If you disagree with them, you may be tempted to interrupt. Don’t. It is dangerous. Let them talk themselves out. Unless you do, they won’t listen to what you have to say because they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So, listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. You may find that the person talking will often talk him or herself out of negative thoughts. No one can convince someone better than himself.
Principle 6
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Chapter 7: How to Get Cooperation
Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions—and let the other person think out the conclusion? No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
Principle 7
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Chapter 8: A Formula That Will Work Wonders For You
Remember that, even when you think other people are wrong, they don’t think so. By not condemning them, you will try to understand them. There may be a reason why the other person feels or thinks the way they do. By trying to understand their reasons, you may be able to understand their actions or even their personality.
Try honestly to put yourself in the other person’s place. By asking yourself what you would do or say, you will save yourself time and irritation, for by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect. This will sharply increase your skill in human relationships. By understanding their point of view, you will get better results with less friction and frustration.
Principle 8
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Chapter 9: What Everybody Wants
Wouldn’t a magic phrase that stops arguments, eliminates ill feeling, creates good will, and makes the other person listen attentively be handy? Here it is: "I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."
That is something you could say and be truly sincere about.
An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive. By apologizing and sympathizing with another person’s point of view, you get the person apologizing and sympathizing with your point of view. You deserve very little credit for being what you are—and remember, the people who come to your irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them. Say to yourself: "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
Principle 9
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Chapter 10: An Appeal That Everybody Likes
J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for dong a thing: one that sounds good and a real one. The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
Nothing will work in all cases—and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?
All people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation. Most people tend to be honest and want to discharge their obligations, especially if you treat them like they are sincere and honest people. There are exceptions to the rule, but generally, people want to think the best of themselves, and will do things that will put themselves in a good light.
Principle 10
Appeal to nobler motives.
Chapter 11: The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?
Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention. Sit down in front of your television; see how the sponsors use drama to sell their products. Scientific tests are dramatized so that the audience comes to the conclusion that the product has been tested and science says it’s good. These dramatizations offer advantages to whatever is being sold—and they get people to buy the product.
When the old-time lover proposed to his sweetheart, did he just use words of love? No! He went down on his knees. That really showed he meant what he said. We don’t propose on our knees anymore, but many suitors still set up a romantic atmosphere before they pop the question.
Instead of telling a person about an idea, show him. Make an impression. Be creative and think about what would make the person buy the idea that you have to sell.
Principle 11
Dramatize your ideas
Chapter 12: When Nothing Else Works, Try This
Charles Schwab said, "The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel." The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, studied in depth the work attitudes of thousands of people ranging from factory workers to senior executives. What do you think he found to be the most motivating factor—the one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No—not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
Every person loves a chance to express themselves. They want the chance to prove their worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
Principle 12
Throw down a challenge.
PART FOUR: BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENCE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT
Chapter 1: If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way To Begin
Psychologically, it is always easier to listen to criticism after we have heard praise. A barber lathers a man before he shaves him. Show honest appreciation in things a person does, then talk about the problem.
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling but the Novocain is pain killing.
Principle 1
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Chapter 2: How to Criticize – And Not Be Hated For It
Changing just one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment. Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and end with a critical statement. For example:
"We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better."
In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word "but." Upon hearing that word, he probably began to question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Your credibility will be strained and success in changing the boy’s attitude about his studies will not be achieved. A situation like this can be overcome by changing the word "but" to "and".
"We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others."
Without the follow-up of pointing out Johnnie’s failure, Johnnie would accept the praise and indirectly call his attention to a behavior that we want to discourage. Chances are he will try to live up to those expectations.
Being subtle and indirect, or just using basic diplomacy, is the best way to correct other people’s mistakes.
Principle 2
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Chapter 3: Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
It isn’t nearly as hard to listen to a litany of your faults if the person criticizing you begins by humbly admitting that he or she is far from perfect. Calling attention to one’s own mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may bitterly resent any direct criticism. Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince somebody else to change his or her behavior.
Just a few sentences, humbling oneself and praising the other party, can turn a haughty, insulted person into a good friend. Imagine what humility and praise can do for you in your daily contacts. Rightfully used, this principle will work veritable miracles in human relations.
Principle 3
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Chapter 4: No One Likes To Take Orders
A good technique to use to get people to do things for you is by suggesting that they do it. Instead of telling a person what to do, try giving the person the opportunity to do things for themselves. Let them learn from their own mistakes instead of trying to tell them what to do. Try saying, "You might consider this," instead of "Don’t do that," or "Maybe if we were to do it this way, it might work. What do you think?" Give them the chance to be part of the process instead of just the hired help. A technique like this makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like this saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time—even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
An effective leader uses the talents and ideas of the people he leads. An effective leader is not afraid to ask questions or take suggestions from his or her followers. An effective leader uses everything at his disposal to get the job done.
Principle 4
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Chapter 5: Let The Other Person Save Face
Letting a person save face is vitally important when dealing with people. Riding roughshod over other peoples’ feelings—getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing someone in front of others—without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride is a good way to get people to hate you. Remember that the next time you have to reprimand or discharge an employee. A few minutes’ thought and a considerate word with a genuine understanding of the other person’s feelings goes a long way towards alleviating the sting.
Even if you are right and the other person is definitely wrong, you only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French aviation pioneer and author, Antoine de Sainte-Exupéry, wrote: "I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime."
Principle 5
Let the other person save face.
Chapter 6: How To Spur People On To Success
Animal trainers have been using the same technique for years: when training an animal, the moment that the animal shows even the slightest improvement, the trainer showers the animal with praise, making a big deal out of it.
Sometimes it isn’t easy to praise someone when all you can see are their faults. It can be really tough to find something, anything, to praise. But when you do, you’ll find that the person wants to capitalize on the praise you give them, and they go out of their way to do things right. Soon, you’ll find that the person does more things right than wrong.
We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it no matter who we are or what we do in our lives.
Nobody, however, wants insincerity. Nobody wants empty flattery. The principles taught in this book will only work if you are sincere, when what you say comes from the heart. It is not about a bag of tricks, it is about a new way of life. If you can inspire the people with whom you come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, you can do far more than change people. You can literally transform them. Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
Principle 6
Praise even the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
Chapter 7: Give A Dog A Good Name
If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said, "Assume a virtue, if you have it not." It is a good idea to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
There is an old saying, "Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him. But give him a good name – and see what happens!"
Principle 7
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Chapter 8: Make The Fault Seem Easy To Correct
Tell someone that they are stupid or dumb at a certain thing and are doing it all wrong, destroys almost every incentive they have to try to improve. Use the opposite technique—encourage them, make the task seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in their abilities to do it—and they will practice until they excel at it.
Encouraging someone gives them hope, makes them strive to improve. Telling someone that they have a "natural flair" for something, makes the person want to prove you are right. They want to believe it of themselves. All you are doing is showing them the way. People want to think the best of themselves and their abilities. If a problem is explained in such a way as to make the solution seem easy, people will want to solve it all the more. The person will feel like they took care of the problem, that they had a hand in it. They will save face and you will have made them feel important and special.
Principle 8
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Chapter 9: Making People Glad To Do What You Want
An important rule of human relations is: Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. When criticism and coaxing fail, try giving the person titles or authority. By using this technique, you change the person’s attitude about the job, and make them want to do it. They will not only be "saving face," but will feel important and the new responsibility will change the way they feel about the job.
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
- Be sincere, don’t promise anything you can’t deliver and make sure to concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
- Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
- Be empathetic and ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
- Consider the benefits that person will receive by doing what you suggest.
- Match those benefits to the other person’s wants or needs.
- When you make your request, put it in such a way as to convey the idea that the person will benefit from it. Instead of saying, "John, sweep out the closet and re-organize it so that your cousin has room in it for his clothes during his visit." Say: "John, if we can clean out and reorganize that closet today, tomorrow when your cousin arrives, we’ll not have to do it tomorrow, wasting precious visiting time with drudgery."
Will John be happier about doing the chore? Possibly not, but happier than if you had not pointed out the benefits.
Principle 9
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
